Swallow
by PpinstripeE
Summary: Kaoru and Hikaru work at the traveling host club what will happen when Kaoru develops anorexia? *Real anorexic writing this* rated M for sexual content and violence. HikaruXKaoru
1. Chapter 1

Pinstripe: BTW I'm writing this story to let out my feelings about my anorexia nervosa my eating disorder. To know more about this look it up on wiki.

*Most events are based on things i've actually gone through

Alois:*Hugs Pinstripe* It's ok Pinny

Pinstripe: Thanks Alois :)

* * *

><p>"Hikaru, could you tighten my corset?" I asked looking in the mirror at my show clothes. A black and baby-blue corset set loose around my waist, a matching skirt tight around my hips, blue fishnets laced my legs along with my black stiletto heels on my small feet.<p>

"Sure." My older twin came up from behind me wearing no shirt, black dress pants a pinstriped top hat and a cane in his hand.

He dropped his cane to pull at the ribbons that made me slightly skinnier.

The corset pulled at my rib-cage, tighter and tighter.

"That's enough Hika." I said in a rather high-pitched voice. "Alright ." He tied the ribbon in a bow before hugging his arms around my shoulders, resting his angular chin on the left. His sweet peach colored lips pressed my collar bone. "Ready to perform little brother?" He asked me with his loving voice.

"I'm as ready as i'll ever be."

I got up to go to my "cage". Which was more like a stage in reality.

"Renge's traveling host club." It's all my brother and I have ever known. As children we helped with costumes and stage set-up never talking to the other children or the mature teen and adult host's we secretly admired.

Lady Renge didn't even believe we could talk until we said "Yes" at being hosts when we turned 13.

There was no need to talk, no one acknowledged us let alone speak to us.

Thing's changed a bit when we became host's. We met Tamaki-senpai , Mori-senpai, Honey-senpai, Kyoya-senpai and Renge's step-daughter Haruhi. She's twelve. At the moment we are sixteen we've been host's for three years now. It's hard to believe it because it seems like the spotlight has always been shining on us.

I pulled open the red curtain to see a stool which my other half then sat on.

I straddled him getting ready for the customers. "Hey Kyouya." I waved to the other cage, where the raven haired boy sat with a dark cloak pulled over his head, complimenting the smart suit he had on that matched Hikaru's hat.

"Hello Kaoru, Hikaru." He nodded

"Hey guys! Isn't my costume gorgeous?" and here comes Tamaki.

He was dressed up in white tiger print shorts with and cape and tank top that matched. Little white fake tiger ears were perched upon his head.

"I see Renge really wanted to keep with the _circus _theme."

I snuggled into the crook of Hikaru's neck. My breath on his skin gave him little goosebumps across his skin. Haruhi walked past our cage her bobbed hair bouncing around his face and her nose in a book. "You guys know that the customers will be here in 5...4...3...2..." A large group of men, woman and young girls crowded into our tent.

Fingers, eyes and faces looked glued to the bars.

Time for the show.

My counterparts fingers rubbed my thighs slowly and sexually.

A soft girlish noise irrupted from my throat.

At the same time we looked to the crowd, looking at them as if they were a car and we were scared fawns. We did it to up our cute factor. I stood up from my position, walking towards the bars. I faced Hikaru and bent down slowly to reach the brown concrete floor to show off my ass. Instead of getting my usual applaude, cheer or gasps. I felt a hand push me.

A large, forceful, rough hand grabbed my pale butt. Pushing me, making me crash onto a bench, splitting it in half.

Splinters jabbed into my arms.

The crowd began to laugh and jeer at me. "Fattie!" Yelled one. "FAT WHORE!" Another shouted. "Your the chubby twin!" Yelled a girl. "LOSE SOME WEIGHT!" A man screamed. "Don't break the stage!" All those hateful voices echoing in my head.

Kyoya and Tamaki had even stopped performing to stare at this disaster in shock.

Hot tears streamed down my face like a heavy rain fall. My body shook. Am I really...Fat? Or are they just saying this because I broke the bench?

"Leave my brother the HELL alone!" Shouted a familiar voice over the others. The crowd grew as quiet as an empty church. "H-Hika?" My voice trembled. I continued to cry shamelessly. "How dare you! ALL OF YOU!" While Hikaru continued to scream his heart out at the crowd I crawled away, pathetically dragging myself on the ground.

I slipped behind the curtain, pushing the red velvet away.

I pulled the dirty ribbon from the corset, my ribs in pain from the fall. Shallow scratched littered my arms, while deeper cuts dug into my sides from the corset rubbing against me when I hit the wood.

My legs weak, I scrambled toward Hikaru and I's shared dressing mirror. Two of the blindingly bright light bulbs were broken.

I used all of my arm strength to pull myself up using the red canvas chair that I sat in when getting ready.

I stood there staring at myself.

Skinny arms, flat chest, ribs slightly visible, skinny neck, and angular face. I'm not fat am I? I looked down to my stomach, it bulged out slightly. My shaking hand pulled up my skirt, my thighs looked pudgy. Like a 10 year old who hadn't lost their baby-fat. It a 28 inch waist fat?

I grabbed my stomach with my pale hands, the skin stretched out when I grabbed it.

"Maybe...I could try to eat less..." I pondered to myself, glancing self-consciously in the looking glass.

"That's it i'll just cut out on snacks, it'll be fine." I turned slightly relieved. Until I saw the face of the woman who practically raised me...Renge.

"What the hell was that Kaoru!" She angrily knocked down the only picture I had of Hikaru and I with our family before they died. The precious photo fell from the dressing table. The frame fell apart and the glass shattered as it hit the dirt ground. "NO!" I shouted, bending down to pick up the picture.

I cut my finger on the glass surrounding it, a bead of crimson formed on the digit.

The cold-hearted woman snatched my picture from my trembling fingers.

"Kaoru, I don't want what happened to happen again you hear me? By next show I want you skinnier, so your fat ass doesn't ruin my show!" "B-But Aunt Renge the next show is tomorrow..." Yes, Renge is my aunt sadly.

"Exactly and if you don't...bye,bye Mommy and Daddy." She pretended to rip the picture.

"NO! I'll do it! Really.."

"Good boy." She patted my head then cackled, leaving me alone.

Hikaru finally came out from the stage when she left. "We ended the show early..." He sounded sorry as If he was the one who pushed me. "Want to go to bed Kao-chan? You've had a long day." I nodded, sniffling. I winced when my love put his arm around my waist. We edged towards out bed, footsteps identical.

I sat on the blue matress which was held up by a skinny, white, victorian frame.

Multiple luxurious, soft pillows littered the bed, along with a golden sheet and a black fluffy comforter.

I collapsed into out voluntarily shared bed. Hikaru did the same after me. I pulled off my skirt and girls panties Renge made me wear and cuddled nude with Hikaru as I often did.

He kicked off his pant and boxers so he was naked as well.

The wind practically blew through our tent making me shiver. Most nights were cold like this, but my loving twin always makes me warm. "Kaoru..." He kissed my nose softly. My blush was barely seen in the dark. I hid my face in his naked chest. "Just remember Kaoru...Don't listen to them. You're beautiful and skinny." He fingered my wavy ginger locks.

I didn't respond to his words.

I just gripped his back and nuzzled his warm chest.

"I love you little brother..." Although I had heard him utter those words a million times, it triggered something that made me cry. "Shhhh..." He tempted to calm me.

"Hikaru.." I looked up, tears staining my cheeks.

He stroked the side of my face. "Kaoru..." His lips lowered onto mine. I pressed mine against his. His kisses are so intoxicating. His hand traveled along my chest. I pulled myself closer to his warm body.

That hand that stroked my chest so softly moved lower and lower, reaching my thighs.

I moved his hand up.

My twin removed his lips from mine, gasping for air like a fish on land.

"What's wrong Kao?" He pushed my bangs out of my face. "I'm...not in the mood.." I turned away from him, twisting my body sideways. "Don't you want to make love to me Kaoru?" He actually sounded a little hurt. "We have every night since we confessed our love four years ago...don't you want to..."

"J-Just stop Hikaru..." I don't want to hurt him...I'm just not in the emotional state to do this now..

"Please baby...please..." His pink lips caressed my neck, sucking and biting, making me moan. "H-Hika..."

I felt like crying.

I don't want him making love to...to this body. Even if I wanted him to i'm too emotionally stressed out. "Please Kaoru, I'll do anything." He licked up my neck all the way up to my ear, making me gasp. "F-fine Hikaru...whatever makes you happy...Whatever makes you happy..."

I feel like i'm split in two...I want to touch him and have him touch me so bad...but not now. My mind feels crowded. Right now I need him to hug and hold me. I want my body to be perfect for him, he deserves a sex god not a second rate fat whore. I should cry but I don't want him to know my secret pain. Just the pain that's obvious.

"I love you Kaoru..."

* * *

><p>Pinstripe:That was hard to write espcially since i'm on one of my bad days with "Ana"<p>

Alois: We understand Pinny.

Pinstripe:I plan to write more!

-chu


	2. Chapter 2: Dirty little secret

Pinstripe:My friend is going to kill me if I dont make a new chapter . Oh yes Alois is...momentarily gone...My little voice gone. So I just have to deal...

P.s I know this chapter has more to do with Bulimia not Anorexia, but I'm going through that too.

* * *

><p>"Kaoru...You need to wake up sleeping beauty..." Hikaru's lips lightly pecked my shoulder before nuzzling my neck. He was in full glow of you love-making last night as usual. "Kaoru...Your going to miss breakfast, Haruhi made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon your favorite."<p>

Mmmmm chocolate chip pancakes and sizzling warm bacon.

No. I need to lose weight even Renge said so.

"I feel a little sick, I'm not hungry." I rolled over pulling the love filled liquid stained blanket over my shoulders. His warm, soft perfect palm felt my forehead.

"You don't feel warm..." He hand moved to my slightly flushed cheeks. "...although you look a bit pale..."

"I'll put some of the leftovers in the refrigerator for you babe..." He stood up, reluctantly pulling his hand away from my body. "Thank you..." I said in the most innocent sick voice I could manage. "Alright." I waited untill I heard him rezip our tent door.

"I then pulled the covers over my head and squeezed my growling stomach. "This...isn't so bad.." I said aloud to myself. "I'll be fine...unless I don't lose the weight by tonight. Then Renge will..." I shivered.

I felt pathetic. Hungry, alone, fat, desperate.

This is all for my own good. Soon I'll be beautiful and it will all be better.

My hands felt weak, yet I gripped the pillow under my head with all my might. Nails tearing into it. Hikaru...

"Kao-chan?" Said A high pitched voice. "Over here." I responded, pulling on my boxers. I sat up the thick blanket sliding down my body to show my chest. "Hi kao-chan." The blonde grinned from ear to ear. "Hello Honey-Senpai.." I smiled slightly at the cute older teen.

"Hika-chan said you weren't feeling good, so I decided to let you borrow my usa-chan!" He forced the pink stuft animal into my arms.

"Thank you senpai."

I stroked the felt animal.

"I hope you feel better!" He starting to walk towards the exit, his purple bunny print nightgown dragging on the ground.

"Wait!" I shouted, not meaning to sound so urgent.

"Hm?" He turned around. "Nothing...never mind." He just smiled his sweet white smile and went back into our "living room".

I was going to ask him how does he eat so much and remain so slender, but I don't want to seem like it's obvious I want to loose weight. Especially after last nights fiasco.

I stood up, walking towards my normal clothes dresser.

It was a simple light-wood, yellowish dresser.

I opened it, grabbing some jeans and a black shirt that cinches in the middle. I walked up to the mirror. No difference from last night, minus the streaks of eyeliner that I wiped off my face last night.

I looked at myself from the side.

I pushed on my stomach. As if that would make me any less fat.

I bit my lip, trying to keep myself from tearing up.

I pulled on my jeans before slipping my shirt on over my head. My hair now ruffled. I looked skinnier in this shirt with the cinch at the waist. I would say I was admiring myself but i'm not, my mind is screaming at every flaw. I just stood there staring for what seemed like forever.

"Hey kao...ru?" Hikaru came in looking a bit confused.

"W-what huh?" I turned towards him.

"You were staring at yourself..." He arched an eyebrow.

"Oh sorry I just zoned out getting ready thats all, I feel much better now." I smiled a fake smile. My twin shrugged. "Wanna go out? There's this park nearby." I immediately lit up. "Sure!"

He stepped forwards and ruffled my just brushed hair. "Your so cute kao." He grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Stop it Hika your messing up my hair!" We both started giggling,play-fighting each other.

Suddenly his weight fell onto me, Me landing on the small rug, now underneath me. He had me pinned. "Hikaru..." His plump lips went teasingly close to mine. He then leaned down, giving me a sweet, knee weakening kiss. Our lips barely having any pressure against the others. It felt like angel wings grazing my mouth.

"Let's go to the park my love."

* * *

><p><em><span>A park nearby <span>_

Hikaru plopped down onto the grass with the weaved basket full of food.

I sat beside my twin as he took out a thick blanket, shaking it out before draping it over the miniature flowers, clovers and grass. He took out a tomato sandwich, then another.

He picked one for himself, taking a bite out of the tomato filled bread.

"Aren't you going to eat Kaoru?" He lifted an eyebrow. "I...I still feel a little sick." I hate telling him this bullshit. I HATE it. but I don't want him to know...to worry. "Kao...You need to eat something..." He took my hand and pushed the sandwich into it.

I brought the food up to my mouth. The juicy tomato bursted in my mouth, tasting so good with the mayonnaise.

I smiled at Hikaru, trying to fake it and ate the rest of the sandwich.

Hikaru stuck his hands into the basket digging through. "Wanna cupcake?" He held out the sugary confection covered in pink frosting. "No thanks.." He shrugged and took a bite. My mouth watered, every part of me wanted to eat it. I couldn't stop staring at the half eaten cake.

"Kaoru.."

"Huh?" I snapped out of it, looking back at his concerned eyes. I have to improvise.

"You have some icing on your cheek." I leaned forward, moving my tongue against his skin to get off the pink goo. He shivered. I tried to lean forward more. "k-kaoru!" My twin fell, our bodies both rolling down the hill, grass staining our clothes.

We both laughed our asses off as we made it to the bottom.

He stopped laughing and stared at me.

"I love you Kaoru..." He fingers laced with mine. Our bodies inched together before our lips met. I bit his lip making him moan lightly. His mouth pushed harder against mine.

My hands tugged at those soft orange locks.

His hand traveled down to my black jeans, he fingered the button undoing it.

I felt myself heating up at his touch. "H-Hika...ru.." I whispered onto his lips. He leaned towards my neck like a vampire, but instead of biting my pale skin, his tongue traced random shapes onto it. I whimpered at the sensation. "Your so cute Kaoru..." He played with the strap of my boxers.

Three fingers moved lower towards my most sensitive parts.

I pulled his hand away.

He moved his mouth away from my neck in shock looking confused.

"I'm tired Hikaru." So many excuses and lies that i've used already. "Alright." he smiled kissing my forehead. I didn't want to let him see my body...get intimate with him...not yet...not until I lose some weight not until i'm beautiful.

We laid on the grass and stared up at the clouds.

My head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I felt so peaceful. Like it was only me and him. No worry, no Renge, and no weight.

"Hikaru.."

"Yes, my love?" He stroked my hair. "Do you think I'm beautiful?" I asked in a little voice. "Yes! Why would you ask something like that?" He laughed a bit. "No reason." I sighed. Another lie.

"Your beautiful Kaoru...utterly beautiful..."

I wish.

I wish I could believe him.

* * *

><p><em>Later that night<em>

I stood in the public restroom that stood next to our shantytown of tents.

My naked body white, flabby.

I pinched my stomach, the fat bouncing back. I know what I have to do...

I leaned over the sink, gripping the porcelain sides. I inhaled deeply. I picked up my green, white and blue toothbrush. I pushed the end without the brush down my throat. I gagged my muscles rejecting the object. White, gooey flem dripped from my lips.

Hot tears dripped down my shaking face.

I pulled the toothbrush out my mouth. I can't take this.

I cried and moaned loudly.

Translucent flem rolling down my chin. I took the toothbrush in my shaking hand and shoved it back down my sore throat. I pushed it down farther, writhing in pain. I felt like I was about to vomit.

I pulled the toothbrush out of my mouth at my own waste shot up out my mouth and into the sink. I cried harder falling to the cold ground pathetically.

"Hikaru..." I shook calling my lovers name.

I stood up leaning against the sink I just spilled my guts into.I turned on the sink washing all the evidence down the drain.

I looked at myself in the mirror, wiping my mouth on my arm. I looked a bit...thinner. A smile appeared upon my face looking at my reflection.

My gut was noticeably smaller. I bit my lip.

This is my new dirty secret.

No one has to know.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reviewing: Thomlina, Lollypop-Otakuu, Blackcatrose13, Thatzly, My Devine Evil and brianna k jordan<p>

I hope that you all will pray for me. All of this is real and what me and tens of thousands of other girls and guys are going through. Thanks for the amazing reviews.


	3. Chapter 3: Punishment and bath time

Pinstripe:Sorry I like died and haven't written. My dad found my Yaoi Rps I got grounded so then I decided to be careful a while before I did any yaoi stuff. Oh yeah Alois had a older brother now...Motto..

Alois:Well...She'll also kind of a lazy ass that's another reason there hasn't been another chapter...

Pinstripe:Your one to talk .

Motto:Pinny-Chan you need to learn to get your work done faster

Pinstripe:Shuuuuuuushhhh. And to answer questions. YES I was and still am dealing with anorexia off and on...Right now im doing better...Just so you know...Well heres the story!

* * *

><p>My chest feels heavy as I lay down on the soft mattress, stripped of sheets, revealing the powder blue color. It has been one month, I've only lost twelve pounds...<p>

I've been eating only dinner with the troupe, since that's when we all eat together. So far I feel pretty good, not quite light enough but good.

I get up out of bed, avoiding the dreaded mirror that tells me whether or not I can eat.

Tomorrow is moving day, I'm hoping we head towards the country, less markets and less food. I open our curtain to go into the common room. Kyoya has papers in his hands and around his body as he slept on Tamakis bare, flat stomach, Which was too perfectly skinny.

"What happened to him?" I plopped down on a beanbag chair. "Oh he was figuring our budget all night and fell asleep when I came in to watch T.V." He was referring to the crankable television that when we cranked a couple of times we could, if someone nearby had cable, watch shows.

Hikaru and I like watching Jerry Springer, We love laughing at those idiots!

"Oh..." I inwardly sighed and shook my head. If only the foolish king could see his best friend throwing himself at him.I could tell Kyoya was awake as he faked a little snore.

Tamaki is almost as clueless about this as Hikaru is about my eating.

I closed my eyes and let the styrofoam balls in the plastic bag hug my ass, Before I could start to relax Renge walked in and kicked over the T.V With Hikaru, Mori and Honey trailing behind.

Hikaru looked almost as pissed as Renge, Eyebrows raised and arms crossed. I pray to god he wasn't know.

"Someone" Renge said in a sickly sweet voice that was so shrill, it could of broken thick glass. "Has done something to make me upset, and I hate to be upset!" As she yelled the last word she grabbed Hikaru by the hair. "Hika-chan here has been smuggling vodka without permission!" She threw him down my his orange locks.

Her eyes flashed with fury.

"Hikaru!" I ran to his side, pulling him into my arms tightly as if I could protect him.

Our owner yelled at Honey-senpai to take out whatever he found under the couch, causing him to weep out of fear, but he obeyed.

His small hands pulled out half a bottle of liquor.

"W-Well how do you know that's his Renge! He could be a innocent man, yet you put him on death row like a criminal!" Tamaki dramatic as always defended my brother.

"Well thats simple!" As she yelled simple the brunette took the bottle from the quivering blonde's hand and smashed the bottle on my head. My ears rang and I collapsed into Hikarus arms, already being lightheaded enough this made me unable to even see straight.

"I found his ring inside the bottle!" She wiggled the ring in front of my face.

Dammit!

This is my fault, When we were drinking last night I slipped his ring into the bottle before we made love. This is all my fault...

I gripped Hikarus shirt, the glass cut into my hands, I started to cry. I whispered to him. "Hikaru...I'm so sorry..." I gently kissed his neck leaving a blood stain.

"As punishment, you both have to pack up everything tomorrow and no food for three days!" My head lifted up was seemed fast but I knew was slow and dull.

No food?

Three days?

Some punishment, this is just what I've been waiting for, This is great!

"Wait Aunt Renge!" Hikaru yelled out, pulling me close. "Let kaoru eat, he's thin enough as it is, I don't want him getting sick..."

Renge snickered. "Don't you remember the little episode about a month ago? He's so heavy he broke a chair! Now it's four days for him!" She kicked us both hard, he heel stabbing my side.

"Now clean up you both have shows tonight." She said laughing and walking away.

Hikaru picked me up, carrying me back into our room. "It's ok Kaoru...Once we turn eighteen I'll take you away from all of this.." His grip tightened on my thigh.

He set me down on the bed.

"Wanna wash up?" He bent over and kissed my cheek.

I gave him a look that said yes, that only us two would understand.

He walked over to the water spigot and let the water pour out into the big bucket we wash in. "Wanna take a bath together?" He smirked that cute yet sexy smirk of his. "Of course Hikaru, I always want to bath with my brother.." I started to stand up. "No allow me." He walked back over and swooped me up.

I feel so light headed...

"Nii-san...I can't stand...undress me..." I draped my arms around him. He chuckled and nuzzled my neck, his breath tickled me.

He stood me up and stripped me of my shirt, and my boxers. "Kaoru, you know i have to pull the glass out first..." He brushed my hair behind my ear.

"Yea I know, get it over with..." He took off his shirt, then pulled off his purple shorts.

"No underwear?" I smiled. "You know me well little brother..." He kissed me gently, his lips, heavenly. I then felt the pain of his pulling to shards of glass out of my shoulder. I whimpered. "Shhhhh, my love, It's alright..." He ran his hand over my chest.

"You've gotten really skinny kaoru. Have you been on a diet?" His question made me nervous.

"L-Let's go clean up now shall we?" I stepped into the tub of water and bubbles. He followed me in.

"Adorable.."

I turned my head looking at him oddly.

"Whats adorable?" He laughed. "You are of course..." He pulled me closer to him, I'm happy about the bubbles, I don't want him to see my body looking so big and bloated and it covers me up. I pulled him even closer wrapping my legs around his torso.

"Let's clean this blood off..." He picked up a wash cloth that was hanging on the side of the tub and dipped it in the water.

He wiped my cheek off, then my neck, then my shoulders, my collar bones, and my chest. The soapy water felt nice. "Kaoru..." His voice sounded husky. "Do you want me to go lower?"

I blushed.

My lust and love wants me to continue but... I don't want him to touch me...not with this body.

"Kaoru?"

* * *

><p>Pinstripe:Sorry this chapter is kind of short, Next time I update it will be two long chapters. Now This is where is gets fun I want all of you to decide whether or not he allows Hikaru to continue. I want to try interacting with my readers. So thank you and thank you for the support! Goodnight!<p>

Motto and Alois: Thanks for reviewing OuranFire, BrizzyBabber, Blackcatrose13, kowai. , Wolf of Fire, Chey , KyubiKanji, My Devine Evil, Freekness, Jaden Haou Yuki Lover, B-Rabbit will eat ouran and Castiel666xD

-chu


End file.
